I've been tasked to think about what would work.
Because it's clear my status quo is keeping me stuck rather than moving me forward.
Perhaps it's a little too overly ambitious to attempt to think about this B.C. (before coffee) - but sometimes the partitions in my mind are weaker when I'm fuzzy, letting me think more freely.
What - would - work.
Wood work. Woodwork. The trim molding needs painting...
<tapping fingers impatiently at self>
Okay, okay, okay. What is clearly NOT working is trying to fit my soul's work into chinks and cracks and crevices allotted by my other life ("real" job, other people, distractions, etc.) And when I do get a bit more time, I'm just plain tired and need some recuperative time.
Logical Brain says There Is No Answer. So I'm turning off Logical Brain. Party pooper.
Hello, skippy-dippy Fantasy Brain.
Fantasy Brain smells the coffee brewing and thinks it's needed, so we will pause here for a refreshing break. <~Let's all go to the kit-chen, let's all go to the kit-chen, let's all go to the kit-chen and grab ourselves a cup!~ Did you see dancing hot dogs and coffee mugs a la drive-in movie cartoons? No? Hmmm...>
What would work. What would work. What - would - work.
Spaceless space and timeless time. (Remember, this is Fantasy Brain.) Effortless energy. (I'm typing with my eyes closed. Any typos yet? haha...Fantasy Brain is not good at focusing...)
Logical Brain: But you don't have those and you CAN'T.
Fantasy Brain: Shut up.
I want this. I want time to delve into the explorations of where I want to go with my work. It's not something I can turn on and off in 5- or 10- or 20-minute increments. It's shapeless. Formless.
Sure, I can function in small chunks of time, but it's not anything like what it would be if it the time was not scarce. The scarcity shows, it comes through, the product is not what I want it to be.
Time... and.... energy. Mental energy. Physical energy.
My best energy "times" are spent at work. But my best "creative times" don't necessarily coincide with that schedule. It's just that I'm too tired to put anything into the creativity, so I shut it OFF.
What else pulls at my energies...
#1 - Work, of course.
#2a - Distractions
Yesterday I came up with a line of thought about the primality of the female necessity to put others before herself. For example, cavewoman would still need to tend to her child even if she, herself, were sick. And the very primal development of the female ability to be - radaring - all the other people's needs in her environment. It's something built-in, instinctual. It's an almost unconscious bombardment of messaging and cues because she needed to be aware of all this in order to protect and care for the species.
So my question is, how to turn this off? It's on such an instinctive, limbic level... I'm not sure it's possible. But this answers, to me, why it's such a vague "pull" but I can't seem to control it enough to focus. Maybe just being aware of it will help turn - tune - my energies into a different direction.
#2b - Distractions of the self-inflicted kind.
This, I can control. I just don't. I like to chill sometimes. I rationalize it as recuperative. I need some no-brain-space to switch gears from "their brain" (work) to "my brain" (home). And sometimes, I just don't want to think.
In prioritizing my self-ness, I should prioritize the larger goal (the one I'll regret on my deathbed for not doing) over the short-term desire (watch TV and vegetate). But, I know this. So - why don't I?
Back to the original question, Fantasy Brain - What would work? QUICK! SPIT IT OUT! DON'T THINK!
What WOULD work is if I don't spend time on dinner and just come home and chow down something fast maybe in my music room while I think and do things in there and get straight to my OWN stuff and chill LATER when I'm done. Don't stop to watch a tv show while eating. Just - keep - going, momentum.
<phew> Why was that so hard to get to?
Resistance is weird.
Ok, so it's not necessarily feasible atm, but if that's what I gotta do - and honestly, no, I really did not think of it before this very moment - then that's what I gotta do. Feasible or not.
Thank you. Really. A lot.