Saturday, March 26, 2011

What Works???

I've been tasked to think about what would work.

Because it's clear my status quo is keeping me stuck rather than moving me forward.

Perhaps it's a little too overly ambitious to attempt to think about this B.C. (before coffee) - but sometimes the partitions in my mind are weaker when I'm fuzzy, letting me think more freely.

So. Anyway.

What  - would - work.

Wood work. Woodwork. The trim molding needs painting...  
<tapping fingers impatiently at self>

Okay, okay, okay. What is clearly NOT working is trying to fit my soul's work into chinks and cracks and crevices allotted by my other life ("real" job, other people, distractions, etc.) And when I do get a bit more time, I'm just plain tired and need some recuperative time.

Logical Brain says There Is No Answer. So I'm turning off Logical Brain. Party pooper.

Hello, skippy-dippy Fantasy Brain.

Fantasy Brain smells the coffee brewing and thinks it's needed, so we will pause here for a refreshing break. <~Let's all go to the kit-chen, let's all go to the kit-chen, let's all go to the kit-chen and grab ourselves a cup!~ Did you see dancing hot dogs and coffee mugs a la drive-in movie cartoons? No? Hmmm...>

What would work. What would work. What - would - work.

Spaceless space and timeless time. (Remember, this is Fantasy Brain.) Effortless energy. (I'm typing with my eyes closed. Any typos yet? haha...Fantasy Brain is not good at focusing...)

Logical Brain: But you don't have those and you CAN'T.
Fantasy Brain: Shut up.

I want this. I want time to delve into the explorations of where I want to go with my work. It's not something I can turn on and off in 5- or 10- or 20-minute increments. It's shapeless. Formless.

Sure, I can function in small chunks of time, but it's not anything like what it would be if it the time was not scarce. The scarcity shows, it comes through, the product is not what I want it to be.

Time... and.... energy. Mental energy. Physical energy.

My best energy "times" are spent at work. But my best "creative times" don't necessarily coincide with that schedule. It's just that I'm too tired to put anything into the creativity, so I shut it OFF.

What else pulls at my energies...
#1 - Work, of course.
#2a - Distractions

Yesterday I came up with a line of thought about the primality of the female necessity to put others before herself. For example, cavewoman would still need to tend to her child even if she, herself, were sick. And the very primal development of the female ability to be - radaring - all the other people's needs in her environment. It's something built-in, instinctual. It's an almost unconscious bombardment of messaging and cues because she needed to be aware of all this in order to protect and care for the species.

So my question is, how to turn this off? It's on such an instinctive, limbic level... I'm not sure it's possible. But this answers, to me, why it's such a vague "pull" but I can't seem to control it enough to focus. Maybe just being aware of it will help turn - tune - my energies into a different direction.

#2b - Distractions of the self-inflicted kind.
This, I can control. I just don't. I like to chill sometimes. I rationalize it as recuperative. I need some no-brain-space to switch gears from "their brain" (work) to "my brain" (home). And sometimes, I just don't want to think.

In prioritizing my self-ness, I should prioritize the larger goal (the one I'll regret on my deathbed for not doing) over the short-term desire (watch TV and vegetate). But, I know this. So - why don't I?

Back to the original question, Fantasy Brain - What would work? QUICK!  SPIT IT OUT!  DON'T THINK!

What WOULD work is if I don't spend time on dinner and just come home and chow down something fast maybe in my music room while I think and do things in there and get straight to my OWN stuff and chill LATER when I'm done. Don't stop to watch a tv show while eating. Just - keep - going, momentum.

<phew> Why was that so hard to get to?

Resistance is weird.
Ok, so it's not necessarily feasible atm, but if that's what I gotta do - and honestly, no, I really did not think of it before this very moment - then that's what I gotta do. Feasible or not.

Thank you. Really. A lot.

Monday, March 14, 2011

"I've got a special purpose! I've got a special purpose!"

Okay, do you know who said that, and where? If you do, great! If you don't - it's okay, all I need is this chair. And this plant. And this lamp... 

So anyway, all day during work, I was gung-ho about getting straight into working on my project tonight. But I was sooooooo tired. Eyestrain from work (probably not helped by Saturday's online presence buildup marathon). The stupid time change. Stress. Yadda yadda yadda. So, I didn't.

But... late in the workday, something did happen which matters to me. And even little things can be important.

I was re-entering my work area, opening the lock, and a little rhyme about it popped into my head. So, instead of brushing it off, I wrote it down. And when I had written the brunt of it, wondering, "What, is this another song? What is this? Just a stupid little ditty poem, meaning nothing? Huh whah huh?" - I suddenly realized that it might fit perfectly as an intro into the set of songs I'm currently working on.

A little background:

The first song, I wrote a long time ago. Put it aside. Never did anything with it. At the time, it was unlike any of the songs currently being produced. And, I wasn't able to record (it was before the rise of at-home recording). But I had a vision, even for the (fantasy of a) video for it.

Fast-forward to a few years ago, having finally built my system and able to record. Considered adding it to the list to record. But I wrote another song - an entirely different song, but somewhat on the same topic. Didn't think I could include both, so decided on the newer song.

Now let me interject - I've gone through periods of not knowing what's going on in the music scene. When I can't be writing or recording, it is painful to be exposed to new music. So, I avoid, because don't want to be inspired if I can't create. So I have big blank periods. And also, am very late to discover artists. Then, when I do, sometimes I am surprised of stylistic similarities to things I wrote long ago, which - back then - were just "weird" - but now would be quite acceptable or even trite.

At any rate, this happened with my old song. Maybe it's no longer unique, but might be "fresh" enough. I decided to record it after all - even though the two songs are on a similar topic - and do them as a pair, a couple, purposely sharing their theme. Not really a suite - since, to me, a suite would require three songs.

And here's where the door to my work area comes in.

The little rhyme about the lock could serve as the perfect intro to the "old" song...which then leads into the newer one. Making it 3 songs. The "suite" I was looking for.

Anyway, it may not develop into what I envision, but I just love serendipity. It all comes together.

And when that happens, I feel like this is my true calling - my special purpose. I've got one! But mine isn't in my pants.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

And in the beginning, there was LD and a dream...

Hello, Folks!

My name is LD. And I've had a dream. You see, I write. At first, it was poems, short stories - even a novel. But along the way, I discovered an ability to write music. I've always loved music, and enjoyed participating in its performance above anything else. And so, it was a convergence for me - where passion and ability came together, into the most 3-dimensional product I could create on my own: the expression of words plus the immensity of the universe of sound.

Years ago, I began my project of recording a CD. But in the past few years, the project has stalled horribly. So I'm putting myself out there into the ethers - to bring myself the energies I need in order to progress and achieve this lifetime goal - and possibly much, much more.

About a week ago, it was recommended to me that I journal my progress on this project, since I've been so stuck, so unable to bring myself up out of the mire - but I'm not much for writing it out by hand.

And then, a couple of serendipitous things happened.

First, I saw a certain movie which, for some reason, "opened my brain back up," so to speak. Gears started to spin. I started to believe in Big Things again - as I had long ago believed were possible, for myself, but somewhere along the way had grown discouraged by Real Life. In the past few years, especially, there have been some huge events which shook me to the core. In trying to deal with those, I found it difficult to bother with my own goals anymore.

Then, I started reading a certain book which meshes with my lifelong mindset and validates my oddness and pursuit as being A-O-Kay. The fact that I haven't been very successful in the conventional world makes perfect sense when you put it together with the fact that I'm not necessarily conventional. What I want to achieve fits perfectly with who I am, what I enjoy, and what I think I do best.

Putting that all together, it seems like the time, now, to put the cart before the horse. I'd been waiting to create a web presence for after I had an actual product in-hand. But maybe that thinking was wrong. Maybe I need to create the presence - create the promise - create the energy to help propel me forward, in order to make progress on the stalled project.

So I've created this blog, a web page, a FaceBook page and other tools to help me fulfill my intention and get my own butt moving to complete this project.

Along the way, I might also use this forum as a method to voice random, possibly amusing, thoughts for which I don't have another outlet. :-)

So, thank you very much for sharing in the LD on CD project. I hope you check back for updates.