3D vs. 2D world...Hip Hop, Motifs and Belatedness

I rarely listen to music at work. Not because the music distracts me from my work; rather, it's the other way around. I like to immerse myself, especially if I'm wearing headphones - it becomes very intimate to me, I like to listen to, study, all the wisps and nuances and what went into each composition.

Recently bought a long-popular hip-hop artist's latest award-winning CD because I liked the tonality of a few of the tracks of which I've heard bits and pieces. I'm not "up" on the latest stuff in general, and this seemed like a great place to dive in. I know this isn't new to most, but it's relatively new to me to pay attention to it to this degree.

(I'm aware I'm not supposed to like some of the lyrics, but I do respect the expression and rawness - that's what art is for, expression. Right? Challenging. Instigating at times.)

On went the headphones...and I became submerged. Swimming, floating, arcing through the three-dimensionality of the intensity of emotion and orchestration of sounds and feelings that went into this tome. I was working, but in another world. Another galaxy. Surrounded by the pulsating cells of the music as they propagated and filled the mindspace around me. Reality became like an ocean of glowing particles and note-creatures and possibilities and being.

After a time, I had to rise. Removed the headphones. And was plunged rudely back into the subdued two-dimensionality of Cubicleville, suppressed.

What goes on in my head during the music - I think that's the real world. It's certainly the better one.

And while listening...I remembered back to a time when I first dreamed of, then obtained, my Yamaha keyboard. The universe of sound and creation it opened up in my head. The swirling, overwhelming galaxy of possibility. Back then, I saw, heard, felt my future-self creating such compositions as are commonplace now - but that had not yet come to be, by anyone.

And now...sheesh. I hope I don't want a Motif. Cuz I'm not sure I have the time or brainwaves to learn to use it. And it almost now seems moot, since somebody else already got there first. A long time ago. I'm more than a day late to the party...and a dollar (or a few thousand) short for the Motif. (Mootif?) No! No! Please don't make me want it! Puh-LEEEEEAZE don't make me have to have one, Oh Powers That Be!

(sigh)

Okay...That was yesterday.

The mood of the music is still resonating in my psyche this morning.

The sky is grey in the desert today. It suits the origins of the work.
Threats of rain.

There's so much POWER in the work. It's not just punchy mad scratchings and screaming mindless anger and whatever chords and notes and instruments fit, or purposely don't fit, thrown together, raw... This is thoughtful, highly intelligent, complicated...the sinuous syncopations of the lyrics take me on an almost-physical, ebbing and surging white-water ride.

Musically, tonally, this is what I had aspired to myself before there was anything like this. So yes, while awed, I'm also angry, jealous, worried, fearful. If/when I bring anything with any similar qualities to the table, it will have already been brought-ed - and I'd be viewed as copycat, when I got there independently and quite possibly earlier.

Is it too late?

The Rio's sign is still lit, sparkling against the drear on my way to work this morning. A rare occurrence.

Thoughts After the Paul McCartney Concert

It was almost a religious experience. I spent much of the time reminding myself that the actual man was standing right there in front of me.  (Note: I’ve never been to a concert from such a star before.)

We sat about midway at the side of the arena, and I had to keep tearing my eyes off the big screens featuring close-ups of him. I’ve seen him hundreds of times in concert videos, Anthology, documentaries, movies – going to see him in person, and just looking at yet another screen, did not give me what I needed. It would not have differed significantly from sitting in my living room. I wanted to look directly at him – in the flesh. Him, in person. After all, he is royalty. Rock royalty. He is Sir Paul.

And so, I did. I couldn’t see his facial expressions much (but glanced at the screens at times to try to catch them). But it was worth it. The constantly running internal monolog, still trying to process his presence – “that’s him right there, it’s him right in front of you, look at him – he’s a person.”

(When the lights glared off Paul’s guitar and into my eyes, I thought to myself, “The light is coming off of Paul McCartney’s guitar and right into my eyes! Those light particles are touching his guitar and then my eyes! It’s almost like physically touching!”  Okay, yes, I know, silly, but still – how often in life does the light bounce off a Person of Magnitude’s instrument and into your eyes? All right, I told you it was almost a religious experience. So don’t laugh too hard. Respect my religion!)

From where we were seated, when Paul sat down at the piano for several songs, I could see him from an angle to his side and from behind. This was an angle from which I’d never watched him play before. Most videos show him head-on, and you can’t watch him play. I watched him play. I watched him put his shoulders into the music. I – personally, in his presence – watched his hands roam the keys, and his forearms pistoning as he played his riffs. I watched Paul McCartney play piano. One of my instruments as well, so I could physically relate to what he was doing – so it was kind of mano-a-mano. Okay, not really. But – in those minutes, watching Paul play, I was watching the man play piano – as a man, as a person – he was just a person, playing the piano. Paul McCartney The Great, Sir Paul, the ultimate in pop/rock royalty, was just a person sitting in front of me, playing the piano. He wasn’t a god, he was just a person. And, after all the High Glorification of all these decades, that was a feeling I’m still having trouble wrapping my brain around.

He is just a person who writes music and performs. So am I. I’ll never be Sir Paul. I’ll never be to that level. But it’s still who I am.

Before the concert, a friend and I traded sympathies that Paul is engaged again. “That’s only because he hasn’t met ME yet,” we quipped to each other. But truth to tell, Paul would not like me. I would challenge him too much.

Yes, I would challenge Sir Paul.

For example, I’ve always wondered…after all the great, GREAT (in capitals) music he’s responsible or at least partially-responsible for – wtf is up with “Let ‘Em In”??? Seriously! “Someone’s knockin’ at the do-OH. Somebody ringin’ the bell. Do me a favor, open the door, let ‘em in.” Come onnnnnnnnnnnnn Paul. And the same for “Silly Love Songs.” At that point in his career, I’d always wondered, did Paul figure, “I can put out anything and it would be a hit”? Was he merely resting on his laurels and testing the boundaries of what drivel the public would revere from him? Seeing how far he could push it?

I mentioned this question to someone once; they responded critically toward me, “THAT’S what you would ask The Great Paul McCartney?!?” As if my lack of sycophantation was yet more proof of my horrible character. But yes, that’s what I might ask (as if, if I had the chance, any sound would emit from my mouth at all, besides a weak, giggly “Hi!”). BECAUSE he’s obviously so capable of much better stuff. Did he really think these were good? Or was he testing a Pablum for the Public theory? (With success, I might add.)

So I would challenge him. I would challenge him every which way. And I have the sense that he wouldn’t like that. So, sigh, Paul and I are never meant to be.

But that’s okay. He would keep me from my own pursuits, anyway.

Status Check!

So, what's the status, Kenneth?

It occurred to me - anyone who might be reading this, doesn't have any idea. Because I haven't told you. I do apologize for leaving you in the dark, as if my project was an amorphous blob.

Right now I am about half-way through laying the acoustic guitar track for this song I'm currently working on. However, I have a feeling it may go more quickly now than it has been so far. (I hope! I hope!) Once this main track is done, the rest of the instrumental tracks should go more easily, as the framework will already be in place.

I'm a little afraid to tackle the vocals on it, though - I got Auto-Tune, despite my feelings against it, because I thought it would make my life easier. However, I have no clue how to use it. :-) I'm not even sure it will work with my current ProTools version, and I don't want to upgrade, because so far my version has been very stable and I've had no troubles with it as it seems others did with their upgrades. I've heard there's a conflict between my ProTools version and Auto-Tune, or maybe more specifically, with the i-Lok that it requires. So, we'll see about that.

Now, in the GRAND scheme of things...   I currently have 9 songs recorded toward my CD. Those need various degrees of tweaking. I have about...hmmm...8 or so more in the hopper to record. It's pretty ambitious... but I feel strongly about including them all.

My current headphones are very old, all the leather has chipped off the earpads, and since they sit directly on my ears - they hurt. Pain. Real painful hurt. So I made New Headphones a priority, and have just purchased a set of AKG K271 MKII's (used). Crossing fingers they do the trick!

So that's the story. And I'm stickin' to it.
Thanks for stopping by - I appreciate your supportive energies!

What Works???

I've been tasked to think about what would work.

Because it's clear my status quo is keeping me stuck rather than moving me forward.

Perhaps it's a little too overly ambitious to attempt to think about this B.C. (before coffee) - but sometimes the partitions in my mind are weaker when I'm fuzzy, letting me think more freely.

So. Anyway.

What  - would - work.

Wood work. Woodwork. The trim molding needs painting...  
<tapping fingers impatiently at self>

Okay, okay, okay. What is clearly NOT working is trying to fit my soul's work into chinks and cracks and crevices allotted by my other life ("real" job, other people, distractions, etc.) And when I do get a bit more time, I'm just plain tired and need some recuperative time.

Logical Brain says There Is No Answer. So I'm turning off Logical Brain. Party pooper.

Hello, skippy-dippy Fantasy Brain.

Fantasy Brain smells the coffee brewing and thinks it's needed, so we will pause here for a refreshing break. <~Let's all go to the kit-chen, let's all go to the kit-chen, let's all go to the kit-chen and grab ourselves a cup!~ Did you see dancing hot dogs and coffee mugs a la drive-in movie cartoons? No? Hmmm...>

What would work. What would work. What - would - work.

Spaceless space and timeless time. (Remember, this is Fantasy Brain.) Effortless energy. (I'm typing with my eyes closed. Any typos yet? haha...Fantasy Brain is not good at focusing...)

Logical Brain: But you don't have those and you CAN'T.
Fantasy Brain: Shut up.

I want this. I want time to delve into the explorations of where I want to go with my work. It's not something I can turn on and off in 5- or 10- or 20-minute increments. It's shapeless. Formless.

Sure, I can function in small chunks of time, but it's not anything like what it would be if it the time was not scarce. The scarcity shows, it comes through, the product is not what I want it to be.

Time... and.... energy. Mental energy. Physical energy.

My best energy "times" are spent at work. But my best "creative times" don't necessarily coincide with that schedule. It's just that I'm too tired to put anything into the creativity, so I shut it OFF.

What else pulls at my energies...
#1 - Work, of course.
#2a - Distractions

Yesterday I came up with a line of thought about the primality of the female necessity to put others before herself. For example, cavewoman would still need to tend to her child even if she, herself, were sick. And the very primal development of the female ability to be - radaring - all the other people's needs in her environment. It's something built-in, instinctual. It's an almost unconscious bombardment of messaging and cues because she needed to be aware of all this in order to protect and care for the species.

So my question is, how to turn this off? It's on such an instinctive, limbic level... I'm not sure it's possible. But this answers, to me, why it's such a vague "pull" but I can't seem to control it enough to focus. Maybe just being aware of it will help turn - tune - my energies into a different direction.

#2b - Distractions of the self-inflicted kind.
This, I can control. I just don't. I like to chill sometimes. I rationalize it as recuperative. I need some no-brain-space to switch gears from "their brain" (work) to "my brain" (home). And sometimes, I just don't want to think.

In prioritizing my self-ness, I should prioritize the larger goal (the one I'll regret on my deathbed for not doing) over the short-term desire (watch TV and vegetate). But, I know this. So - why don't I?

Back to the original question, Fantasy Brain - What would work? QUICK!  SPIT IT OUT!  DON'T THINK!

What WOULD work is if I don't spend time on dinner and just come home and chow down something fast maybe in my music room while I think and do things in there and get straight to my OWN stuff and chill LATER when I'm done. Don't stop to watch a tv show while eating. Just - keep - going, momentum.

<phew> Why was that so hard to get to?

Resistance is weird.
Ok, so it's not necessarily feasible atm, but if that's what I gotta do - and honestly, no, I really did not think of it before this very moment - then that's what I gotta do. Feasible or not.

Thank you. Really. A lot.

"I've got a special purpose! I've got a special purpose!"

Okay, do you know who said that, and where? If you do, great! If you don't - it's okay, all I need is this chair. And this plant. And this lamp... 

So anyway, all day during work, I was gung-ho about getting straight into working on my project tonight. But I was sooooooo tired. Eyestrain from work (probably not helped by Saturday's online presence buildup marathon). The stupid time change. Stress. Yadda yadda yadda. So, I didn't.

But... late in the workday, something did happen which matters to me. And even little things can be important.

I was re-entering my work area, opening the lock, and a little rhyme about it popped into my head. So, instead of brushing it off, I wrote it down. And when I had written the brunt of it, wondering, "What, is this another song? What is this? Just a stupid little ditty poem, meaning nothing? Huh whah huh?" - I suddenly realized that it might fit perfectly as an intro into the set of songs I'm currently working on.

A little background:

The first song, I wrote a long time ago. Put it aside. Never did anything with it. At the time, it was unlike any of the songs currently being produced. And, I wasn't able to record (it was before the rise of at-home recording). But I had a vision, even for the (fantasy of a) video for it.

Fast-forward to a few years ago, having finally built my system and able to record. Considered adding it to the list to record. But I wrote another song - an entirely different song, but somewhat on the same topic. Didn't think I could include both, so decided on the newer song.

Now let me interject - I've gone through periods of not knowing what's going on in the music scene. When I can't be writing or recording, it is painful to be exposed to new music. So, I avoid, because don't want to be inspired if I can't create. So I have big blank periods. And also, am very late to discover artists. Then, when I do, sometimes I am surprised of stylistic similarities to things I wrote long ago, which - back then - were just "weird" - but now would be quite acceptable or even trite.

At any rate, this happened with my old song. Maybe it's no longer unique, but might be "fresh" enough. I decided to record it after all - even though the two songs are on a similar topic - and do them as a pair, a couple, purposely sharing their theme. Not really a suite - since, to me, a suite would require three songs.

And here's where the door to my work area comes in.

The little rhyme about the lock could serve as the perfect intro to the "old" song...which then leads into the newer one. Making it 3 songs. The "suite" I was looking for.

Anyway, it may not develop into what I envision, but I just love serendipity. It all comes together.

And when that happens, I feel like this is my true calling - my special purpose. I've got one! But mine isn't in my pants.
:-D

And in the beginning, there was LD and a dream...

Hello, Folks!

My name is LD. And I've had a dream. You see, I write. At first, it was poems, short stories - even a novel. But along the way, I discovered an ability to write music. I've always loved music, and enjoyed participating in its performance above anything else. And so, it was a convergence for me - where passion and ability came together, into the most 3-dimensional product I could create on my own: the expression of words plus the immensity of the universe of sound.

Years ago, I began my project of recording a CD. But in the past few years, the project has stalled horribly. So I'm putting myself out there into the ethers - to bring myself the energies I need in order to progress and achieve this lifetime goal - and possibly much, much more.

About a week ago, it was recommended to me that I journal my progress on this project, since I've been so stuck, so unable to bring myself up out of the mire - but I'm not much for writing it out by hand.

And then, a couple of serendipitous things happened.

First, I saw a certain movie which, for some reason, "opened my brain back up," so to speak. Gears started to spin. I started to believe in Big Things again - as I had long ago believed were possible, for myself, but somewhere along the way had grown discouraged by Real Life. In the past few years, especially, there have been some huge events which shook me to the core. In trying to deal with those, I found it difficult to bother with my own goals anymore.

Then, I started reading a certain book which meshes with my lifelong mindset and validates my oddness and pursuit as being A-O-Kay. The fact that I haven't been very successful in the conventional world makes perfect sense when you put it together with the fact that I'm not necessarily conventional. What I want to achieve fits perfectly with who I am, what I enjoy, and what I think I do best.

Putting that all together, it seems like the time, now, to put the cart before the horse. I'd been waiting to create a web presence for after I had an actual product in-hand. But maybe that thinking was wrong. Maybe I need to create the presence - create the promise - create the energy to help propel me forward, in order to make progress on the stalled project.

So I've created this blog, a web page, a FaceBook page and other tools to help me fulfill my intention and get my own butt moving to complete this project.

Along the way, I might also use this forum as a method to voice random, possibly amusing, thoughts for which I don't have another outlet. :-)

So, thank you very much for sharing in the LD on CD project. I hope you check back for updates.